One of the most attractive things I find about people is
when they are totally honest. I may not always like what they say, but I have an
incredible respect for their honestly. Even more so, I love to see people be
honest about brokenness. To see someone share about a struggle or just admit
that, "no, today is rough" is, I think, something that takes more courage than “keeping
it all together”.
I have failed at this in the last week. A few of my close
family and friends knew that I was having rough days, but I always tried to
sugar coat it, make it seem like I really did have it all together. In reality I was experiencing one of the darkest weeks I had ever experienced spiritually in my life. My life on the outside was going great, my friends and family were near me and we were celebrating my 21st bithday, I even got to see Clay Walker live in concert. All these things were great joy-filled time, but it was fleeting, and in these moments I realized how only a joy from the Lord can last when the "fun" times end. On the inside I had anxiety and worry that was eating me alive.
Over the last year, I let myself go and experience what God
had for me in this life, it was a total attitude change from my life planning of 5,
10 and 15 years that I had always done. However someone told me once that the quickest way to make God laugh is to
make your own plans, and I found that more true over the past year, especially this past week. This last year was amazing, I was truly happy, joyful, and
looked to share the source of that joy with everyone.
Then something changed. I began to plan again.Not just what I was doing tomorrow, but for the next 5, 10, 15 years. As I was
talking with my mom we talked about that the planning and preparing are not the
issue, it’s the fear, anxiety, and anxiousness that something other than your
plan might work.
Last semester God called me to get involved as a youth
leader in my church, I was so excited to get to pour into young teenage lives
just like the amazing women in my life did for me. I believe that I have a
calling to minister to high school and middle school girls. I give a lot of
this credit to my amazing experience in church youth group during my grade
school years.
As this semester has moved closer and closer and I was supposed
to go talk to the youth leader at my church, I bailed, not once, not twice, but
three weeks in a row I made eye contact and diverted away from the situation. I
blamed it on nervousness, then I blamed it on being busy and that I would not
have the time needed to commit to serving these girls.
Let me tell you when God speaks to you and tells you to move
in a certain direction then other direction will make you sick. I fell into a
funk, I had anxiety over my future, I had anxiety over what I was eating or not
eating to be exact, I wanted to sleep all the time because that was easier than
worrying about everything.
Last night I attended my church’s Tuesday night corporate
prayer gathering. If you are not praying corporately with a group of people, I
suggest you do, it is one of the most powerful experiences I have and it happens
week after week. I never leave Tuesday night prayer without something or
someone being laid on my heart.
In this particular week, they asked people to stand for
certain prayer needs and I knew I was struggling but I was not going to admit brokenness,
so after the first group kind of matched my situation I made a bet with God
(smart right?) that if the prayer leader mentioned this ONE word then I knew I would
need to stand. After the second, third, and fourth groups were called I was
sure I was in the clear because that word was never spoken… then… he says one
more group of people that need help with OBEDIENCE, I was sick. That was the
word. I had to stand up, but instead of the anxiety I had felt over the past
week I felt a rush of peace run over me, the peace I had been praying for.
You are never too busy for God’s plan, and if you REALLY
are, God will remove the distractions because God’s will always works out. Don’t
let work, or a relationship, or school, or the idea of a lack of free time take
you away from doing something God called you to do.
I would encourage you to pray for your next step whether it’s
committing your life to Christ, going public with your faith through baptism, finding
a home church, or getting involved. Whatever your next step God will lead you
in the right direction and the peace that comes with following God’s will is
indescribable.
The most profound thing I was reminded of just last night is
that God shines brightest in your weaknesses. Jesus came to save the broken and
the hurting. It’s ok to not be ok because the God of creation loves you
unconditionally.
This is my story and it’s just getting started!
-Simply Jordan
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