Even If You Don't

Grief. It’s a weird kinda thing. One moment you are singing, smiling, enjoying a new thing. The next moment you are crying deciding if you want peach cobbler or not.

I believe I took a lot of psychology classes in college for a reason. I remember grief. The topic of grief. The stages of grief…kinda… I remember denial, anger and bargaining…. There seems to be a perpetual circle of the 3 like a bad carnival ride you wish would end sooner rather than later.

I have experience grief from the loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship, loss of a family member both sudden and prolonged… Each have their own good memories and bad memories but is time really the only thing that heals it?

I still find myself choked up over a death from years ago…. When does it get better? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

They say that breakups are a death in a relationship. I find myself replaying the conversations… the good ones the bad ones…the last one. It gets me every time. It hasn’t gotten easier. It still hurts. I still feel broken. And there are times where I have to reevaluate my self-worth and who I am and what I want to do.

I keep my radio on K-LOVE and no matter what is going on or even if the radio is turned down low I can always hear when the new song my Mercy Me comes on. Even If. Even if He doesn’t fix it like I want, or when I want or Even If it takes al long time to get there… Even If He doesn’t, my hope is found in Him. I still wear my ring and when I am having a low moment and I catch a glimpse of that pearl I see my worth, my value. I am a pearl of great prize, one worth more than all the riches, because I am a daughter of the Most High King of Kings.