Self-Image from a Teenager

I found an old book that I had written in answering questions about myself. One of the questions asked how I viewed myself. Being the “type A” person that I am I had to break it down of course because the question was too broad. So my early teenage self answered like this,

“On a good day: pretty, leader, good size, there is someone who likes me, God loving. On a bad day: ugly, never fit in, my nose is too big, way too skinny, no one likes me, bad mood.”
Sad isn’t it… That I could think those own things about myself…

On the next questioned that I answered about where I got my self-image I answered with the “correct” answer. I said that the “good day” view was of course from God and the “bad day” view was of course from the world. Even as a 14-15 year old I had the answers. I knew my worth and my value in Christ, but that doesn’t mean that’s the forefront of my mind every moment of every day.

I'm not perfect. No one is perfect. My home church has two mottos that I absolutely love and spread every chance I get. The first is that No perfect people are allowed at church because church is not for the perfect people who have it all together and have it all figured out. Church is for the broken, the lost, the hungry, the sick, the frustrated, the haters, and the hopeless. Church is for the people. All people because we are all not perfect. The second motto is something that I have adapted into my daily thoughts. I try to start the day by saying “God I want to experience all that you have for me in this life.” I don’t want to wait around anymore for the “next event” to come into my life. I want to press play. I want to live each day and experience all that day has for me.

This is not a “you need to go to church” blog; to be honest I took a two year break from church. I don’t say that to make it OK, I simply state it. When I decided to return to church again it was for all the wrong reasons and I ended up church hopping for a while. I eventually ended up in where I feel like God has placed me and my family. I feel God working, I feel God shaking and rumbling my foundation. I am not meant to get to comfortable because comfortable people don’t move mountains.

God has a plan for my life, just like he has a plan for each and every one of his beloved children. Today. Love yourself. Today. Do something that makes you happy no matter how small.

With all my heart,
Simply Jordan

I am Free

I am free. I have been occupied lately, my mind running a million miles an hour in a million different directions. I have to remind myself to stop and breathe, or eat, or sleep, or rest. During this season in my life one word comes to mind over and over. I has presented itself in many ways, it’s all over my journal entries, it’s literally on buildings around campus, but most importantly it is written on my heart. Free. I am Free. FREE. I don’t mean cheap like a sale rack or the left over junk. I mean without bondage, without penalties, without blame, without shame, without blemish. On the bible building of my college campus the words at the top read “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you FREE!” I know the truth, I know who I am, I know that God has a plan for my life, and this sets me Free.

Tonight at an all-girls devo on campus they talked about dignity and identity in Christ. They had us take a note card and write one word that God calls us or labels us. The results were beautiful; my word was “Free” as that’s what my heart is screaming in this season. My heart is to share my story because I pray that my story points to Christ.

I don’t want to walk around with fear because fear is not of God.
I don’t want to walk around with doubt because doubt is not of God.
I don’t want to walk around with anger because anger is not of God.

There is a season for everything. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says He has made everything BEAUTIFUL in its time.

Your life does not have to be on hold for anything, any reason, anyone. Press play on your life and live each day filled with joy and happiness because your identity is in Christ and in Him you are FREE!

With all the love,
Simply Jordan

I Dont Have the Answers

I have learned a lot and I continue to learn a lot each day. God and I get real, I grow, I get up and I move forward. One of my biggest lessons so far is that moving on has nothing to do with the next relationship. Society considers being ready to date equal to moving on from a broken relationship, so once I have successfully entered the dating scene or the next relationship then I have successfully moved on from my past relationship. This is simply false information.  

You can enter into a relationship too soon. You need to have time to grieve and heal, even though no one died there is still a grief for the death of the relationship.

However you can have moved on from the past relationship and simply have not entered into a new relationship. In the 3 months since the split I have had countless people tell me that “my time will come” and although I do believe my time will come and the right man will be there I do not believe the underlying message being conveyed.

My happiness and my life does not hinge on any one person. I do not and will not have to put my happiness and my life on pause while I search or wait for the perfect man to walk in. I do not and will not have to sulk in my singleness pining for love to come my way. Being in a relationship brings no more core joy than you already possess.

I have a whole list of “why” questions as to why I had to go through what I went through, and although I will never fully understand I do know that there is purpose and a reason for everything. I have grown so much in the past 3 months. I know that I have a purpose greater than I can ever fathom, and I know that no matter how awful some of these things are they serve a greater purpose.

I am continuing a season of singleness with the intentions of doing it right, there are two things I know. It is ok to be single, for it is better to be alone than be with the wrong person. And the second thing is that a firm and solid foundation of my self-worth and self-image in Christ is being built before entering into another relationship.

No I am not going to do some sort of “dating pact” or “promise” not to date for any length of time. When I do date I know it will be the right time and it will feel right. And even though I am not entering into another relationship doesn’t mean I am not moving on.

Peace like a river the Lord gives me, Each and every day is a new day, a new day in Christ. I pray that he shields my eyes and my heart for I know God has a man in progress for me. This man will cherish everything that the Lord had prepared me to be and the work he does through me.

I don’t have it all together, in fact, some days I feel like I knew more the day before. I don't have the answers and I won't pretend that I do. But each day I grow wiser, I grow stronger, I grow in confidence, and I grow in motivation to seek and live out Gods will for my life.

I am Simply Jordan being the best Jordan that I can be.

Through the unconditional and all-consuming love of Christ,
-Simply Jordan

Breaking It Down

I broke down, I got angry, I smashed some watermelon, I got up, I went back to work, I moved into an apartment, I started a new semester, then…. Two months later… I break down… Now what?

God is shaking me and breaking me. He is building me and molding me. Not to be someone’s “other half” or “the One”, although I know that one day that will come. No, God is building me into the women that He wants me to be.  

Where am I now?
I have good days, like when my bangs lay just right, or that friend said the best thing ever, or I get the grade on my assignment I worked forever on. I have great days, where I spend quality time with those I love, or where I do something for myself like read a book or buy a cup of iced coffee (my new favorite). With the great days, there come also those fewer and more and more far between, not so good days. There are still tears, there is still hurt, there is still sadness, there is still pain, and there is still anger… and that’s OK!

What am I thinking now?
Where do I go from here? God, if that wasn’t part of your plan for the rest of my life, what do you want me to do now? How can you use me? One way I think God is using me and my story is this blog, and that’s why I love to hear your stories as to how my blogs are affecting your lives and thoughts.
Each morning I choose that day to make that day the best I can. I get dressed, I go to class, I go to work, I do homework and I rinse, lather and repeat!

Each day I wake up and I choose that day to see the brighter future. Each day I look into my mirror and I choose that day to rejoice in the things I know through Christ. On my mirror I have a quote from that oh so popular pop song: “Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top” Daughters of Christ realize that these are not just lyrics there is truth in this statement given to you from the most high King. When you feel unworthy, when you feel used, when you feel wasted, when you feel useless, broken, shattered, or not good enough, KNOW that these are lies. Know that you are SO much more that you can imagine. Sons of Christ my prayer for you is for you to see with the eyes of Christ all that the daughters are made to be.

You have value, worth and significance in this world. And TODAY you can choose how you feel, react, and grow.

There will be good day, there will be bad days, but there will always be a God who loves you unconditionally, and that is love worth living for!

With Christ,
Simply Jordan

For Those Who Are...

For the first time in my life, I am truly content in being single. I tell people, “I’m doing me.” I am finding things I like, things I love, and things that just once was enough!

Moving forward in this new season in my life I’ve been making lists from the things I have learned while in my relationship and the many things I have learned since the break-up. I have hopes, wishes, dreams, and desires.
I desire to be loved, loved unconditionally, for ALL that I am!
I desire to be challenged in this life. I want challenged to grow mentally, spiritually, and physically each and every day.
I desire to be pushed toward all my goals, ambitions and dreams, not pulled away from them.

It is important to know where you are coming from, to evaluate where you are, and to go forward with your eyes wide open, your dreams larger than life, and a heart open and ready to receive what God has for you. I don’t know about you, but I want to experience EVERYTHING God has planned for me in this life.

For those who are broken, He stands with open arms ready to receive and restore you!
For those who are lonely, He calls you by name and claims you as His own!
For those who are wandering, find rest in Him!
For those who are struggling, stop resisting, He will catch you when you’re ready!
For those who are burdened, release it onto Him, He has already paid it all.
For those seeking to be loved, seeking to be protected, seeking to be cherished, KNOW that there is a God greater than you and more in love with you than any earthly man can EVER love you. KNOW that you are precious in HIS sight! You are a pearl to be prized and sought after. You are a one-of-a-kind, handcrafted daughter of the Most High King of Kings.
In God you have purpose and meaning to Life.

And with this prayer of my heart I leave you with this:
True beauty emits from the inside out, NOT the outside in!
In Christ’s everlasting and unconditional love,
Simply Jordan

The Pearl of Great Prize

The first dating season in my life was when I entered a promise (read “The Promise” below) when I was beginning high school after going through dating and relationship classes at church. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to save myself for one man. I took it to the extreme and even saved my first kiss for the special someone who would change my world. I wore a ring to symbolize my promise, it was in the shape of a “lovers knot” or “square knot”. It is two separate loops tied together in a form that if either side is pulled the knot will only get tighter. Like my promise if I was ever “tempted” or felt like I couldn’t continue the “knot” or “promise” would only get tighter.

Then everything changed when I met “The One” he asked a question and I took off my Promise Ring and entered an Engagement season. There were three diamonds, one for me, one for him, and one for God in the middle. Although I didn’t pick out my engagement ring my, then, fiancé knew I would love it and he told me the symbolism in it. The engagement didn’t last because it simply wasn’t meant to be as cliché as that sounds (read “Unconditional Love” below). So I took off my engagement ring and entered a season of bareness. I was raw and bare for the world and before my God.

For close to a month I wore no jewelry, ESPECIALLY no ring. And let’s be clear I had worn a ring on my left ring finger for 8 years. This was an important season for me and my process of healing over the broken engagement, and finding me in this life again. I had to find my identity in myself and in God. I had lots of question: How do I wear my hair? What about makeup? Did I used to do this before him? What do I wear? Did I do this for me, or for him? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now? You don’t realize how much your life begins to form around and for someone else until one day when you wake up and they are no longer there.

After the breakup I went home and my mother had set out my promise ring, the same ring I had worn for so long. It was so innocent and so full of hopes and dreams and promises that are no longer relevant for my life after the breakup. I placed the ring on my finger as I began to get ready for the day, before leaving the house I took the ring off and placed it on the counter. See I realized that I was not the same person I was before the relationship and I couldn’t go back to what I was before either. I was still me, but I had so much for knowledge and wisdom.

On my 20^th birthday I received a gift from my momma, the same women who gifted my first promise ring. It is a ring with one simple stone set around scrolled edges. The stone is a beautiful freshwater pearl. (I LOVE PEARLS)…. But here is why….

I picked out this ring, I love this ring not only because it is a pearl but because of the symbolism that it reminds me of (like my lovers knot promise ring, and my 3 diamond engagement ring).

Matthew 13:45-46 The Parable of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl

“Again the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls, when he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

A pearl is made over a long period of time, one grain of sand it added at a time and pressed and kept clean and pure until the pearl is finished and the clam is opened to reveal its treasure.

Ladies we are the pearls, made over time with lessons learned, and heartbreaks later. We are molded and kept until that one man comes and opens the clam and reveals our treasure. We are a pearl of great prize. We have worth and value beyond what we can imagine.

Men are the merchants looking for the pearls; they take pride and joy in things they work for. When they find that one thing that is prized greater than any other they are willing to go to whatever means necessary to make it their own. How wonderful would a love like that be!

My prayer for each and every woman, teen, or young girl is that they come to know their value and worth through Jesus Christ. And my prayer for every man, teen, or young boy is that they come to have the eyes of Christ to see these precious ladies for everything God has made them for.

So with this, I enter into a new season. Not tied down in a promise, not in an engagement, not raw in bareness, but as a pearl of great prize opened with a covenant.

This is me, being me for the world to see. I love to hear what you think about my writing. Please share this blog as you never know who it might help!

With love and joyfulness in Christ,
Simply Jordan

 

Unconditional Love

He was everything I had hoped, dreamed, and prayed for in the beginning. He was the kind of man my parents could be proud of; he was the man who would treat me right and love me for me. He taught me how to love myself and see myself as valued and beautiful. He showed me that a man here on this Earth that wasn’t my own dad could love me. He taught me how to love, and oh man did I love. I loved with my whole heart, my whole soul, and whole mind. I loved so deep and so wide. I loved unconditionally. I woke up every day falling more in love with this man, this precious man who loved me back. I was so blessed. I knew I had found the ONE.

I was planning my own perfect wedding, to my own perfect fiancé. I thought that what I was doing was God’s plan for my life. Let’s be honest here every little girl dreams of that perfect knight and shining armor to sweep her off her feet and fall madly, deeply, and unconditionally in love with her. She dreams of a beautiful proposal, a beautiful ring, and a beautiful family to be marrying into. She dreams of him asking her daddy permission and everyone beaming with joy. She dreams of planning and picking things out and shopping and asking bridesmaids to be bridesmaids and everything else involved in that special day.

I was there. I was in the midst of planning what seemed to be my storybook fairytale. Now I’m here on the other side of a broken engagement. See that one word, unconditional, changed everything. Sure he loved me, and a part of me knows in some ways he always will, just like I always will. He did great things for me, we had a great time together, and I was ready to sign my life away to him. To be his Bride was going to make me the happiest girl in the world. One day he realized that his love for me wasn’t meant for the commitment we were going to enter into. He realized he lacked a marriage, lifetime, and unconditional kind of love for me.

So that leaves me, just me, Jordan, being me for the world to see. I love writing, and since the split I have found it to be a passion again. I have a folder in my “cloud” that I write my feeling and thoughts in. You see I know that ONE day that man will chase after my own heart. ONE day a man will see me through God’s eyes and have the kind of love that is meant to last a lifetime, and marriage, a kind of love that IS unconditional. ONE day I will have another Godly dating experience, ONE day I will be asked to marry another man, ONE day I will enter into a Godly covenant with a man that is all the things that a husband my God designed. ONE day is just not today.

God’s love is unconditional. That means no matter what we do, no matter what we say God LOVES US. With all that God is, for He is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. I mean He is God of course. I find it no coincidence that God calls the church, and all its members meaning all believers, His BRIDE. And one day there will be a beautiful wedding between the Groom and His Bride. Here on Earth you see God gives us an imperfect example of His perfect love. Marriage between a man and a woman. In perfect unity, brought together in God’s perfect timing. ONE day is just not today.

-Jordan

Song of Solomon: New perspective

In a devotional I was in recently we discussed the topic of sisterhood in Christ. I talked about some simple surface stuff about loving and trusting and investing before I was convicted of my own misunderstanding of God role of “sisters” in Christ filling a role of friends. In the book Song of Solomon from the Old Testament Bible we get to see Gods intent for a dating, courtship and marriage relationship. I still remember when my youth pastor got up in front of a room full of junior high and high school kids and said “Did you know there is a whole book in the bible devoted to dating and marriage and sex!”  I remember the moment ever mouth got quiet and every ear was opened. She began to talk about the story in Song of Solomon. The way the Lover dated and courted and eventually married his Beloved. We broke down every verse and what it meant and why it was in the Bible. It was always my favorite book because and earthly man had the eyes of God to see his Beloved the way God saw her. He called her beautiful and precious. I wanted that.

When I was talking to these girls in this devo, I flipped my Bible open looking for a passage in Ephesians when it opened to song of Solomon I saw a new heading that I had never paid attention to. “Friends”… I thought “Friends”, why are “Friends” mentioned in the most romantic book in the Bible? BOOM (for those of you who like sound effects) I realized just then what it meant. Call it a Bible slap if you want.

Friends are the family you choose. They are special people you allow in your life to be there for everything. It is so important to have and to nurture those relationships, EVEN when you are in a serious romantic relationship with someone. My boyfriend and I learn from each other every day. We have new experiences and new learning opportunities as individuals and as a couple. God is guiding us and we have to be open to letting him lead.

In Christ and His love,

Jo